I Couldn't Do It

Tuesday our little family went out to a friend's house who live North of the Metroplex in the little town of Celina. They have a beautiful place, by the looks of it you wouldn't know that North Dallas is only 20 minutes away. Quiet, serene, cool breezes in the air, (don't get me wrong, I love the hustle and bustle of the cement world that I live in), it was just a refreshing scene.

Their house and spacious backyard is settled on the edge of a picturesque pond adorned with a quaint pier that serves as a vehicle to the water. The drop is about 12 feet. No problem. My four and six year old boys walked up, (safely tucked away in their lifejackets), thought about it for about 1 minute, then jumped right off the edge with exuberant smiles dripping off their faces. They continued this cycle over and over again.

Me, on the other hand, I couldn't do it. I stood their each time they jumped, wishing I had the blind faith them seemed to so easily possess. I typically don't like to jump from heights, but I have done it before. I have absolutley zero fear of the water, I like to swim, I enjoy the cool refreshment of the water. So, I narrowed it down to this: I could not bring myself to take that first step off of the safety and security of that pier.

Now, as I stood their contemplating the big leap, I stupidly let go of the railing that my hand was clinched to; only to realize a half second later as I'm rapidly dropping like a lead balloon to the water below, that my lovely husband had given me a little nudge over the edge. I wasn't mad at him, as some would assume, I was actually glad I was off that pier. But, as I climbed back up the ladder and made my way to the edge of that pier again, I still couldn't do it. I could not physically be the one deciding to take the jump. It was like my mind just would not let my legs go for it.

So, I have decided I am a chicken. A scaredy cat. Ughhh! I have also decided that somehow, some way, my boys will see me jump off that pier. I will conquer this fear that wells up inside of me. The next time I am out there, I am just gonna walk right over and jump! What is the big deal?!

I have been haunted by this since Tuesday. I need closure. I will get it.

Dirt

So I was in my bathroom this morning, admiring the big mess I seem to make every time I get dressed. I say to Tim, "Wow, I sure wish the maid would come and clean this place up! It's disgusting in here!" He gives me a little laugh from the other room, knowing that I am the one who does the cleaning and that it is me who has left my place in the bathroom in such a disgusting state!

Now, the funny thing about me is that the rest of my house is pretty much in order. The places people see anyway. Any time we have a meeting or event at our house, I clean like crazy. Tim would probably even say I go overboard. But, the one place that does not get picked up/disinfected regularly is my bathroom/bedroom. That is the place that is always closed off to the public. But, anything that is seen, you better believe I am going to have it sparkling clean!

As I thought about this paradox in my life, it gave me cause to peer a little deeper. Isn't this the way I tend to be with who I am as a person? The things that people see - manners, attitudes, reactions - those things I clean up and make pleasant for people to look at. But, the things that are not seen - private reactions and attitudes, priorities, how my time is spent - those are the things that are easy to ignore because they are left unaccounted for.

My God has called me to transform from the inside out to be more like the image of his character. This means that I must submit even those things that are not seen by the public to be held accountable. I must put myself out there and give someone permission to hold me to God's standard. Even the most disgusting parts of me must be cleaned at some point. How long is too long to go without acknowledging that change/dusting/cleaning needs to take place?

Maybe if I opened my bedroom door when I open my home, I would feel compelled to make sure it is nice and neat. But, if I never let anyone in, never let them see, would I be proactive in picking up that dust rag or just let the dirt remain?

Thankful

As I sat in the hospital last night holding a friend's newborn baby, I was reminded of how thankful I am. My boys are now 6 and 4 and I can distinctly remember both of their births with exquisite clarity. If you are a mother and have found yourself reading about my little corner of the world, you know the exact feeling I am describing. How in the world did this much time pass? I look at them today and literally see their tiny newborn faces staring right back at me. How can they be school age already?

Through many different venues, God has been leading me to be more thankful. As I look around, I see very clearly where His hand has guided my life. He has literally picked me up and moved me to better places, physically and spiritually. I am thankful for so many things. Tim. Jordan and Titus. The Word. Grace. Family. People. Connection. Church. Authentic Worship. Health. Passion.

May I ever be thankful of the blessings that are abundant in my life. And my I never cease to look at things as if looking at a newborn baby. A constant reminder of all things beautiful. A reminder of God's existence and reality in my life. Priceless.